Suffering from Selfishness

Do you remember your children's first words? Do you remember the excitement and joy you felt that day? You probably celebrated in every way possible; breaking out the video camera, calling all the family, and posting it all over facebook.

But what about those words that inevitably follow that joyous first? There are two words that come to my mind that I was not so pleased to hear were now apart of my child's vocabulary. Those two words were...

NO

and

MINE

This is the point in our children's lives when the sin nature becomes blazingly apparent. I remember thinking, "Where did Gracie learn this from? Todd and I don't walk around snatching things from each other saying, 'mine!'"

Psalm 51:5 says:

Surely I was sinful at birth, sinful from the time my mother conceived me

Gracie didn't have to learn to say "mine" from us. According to this scripture, selfishness came as naturally for her as crying when she was hungry.

The kids are older now and consequently their expressions of selfishness have matured as well.

It had become typical at our house to hear things like:

"That's mine, give it back!"

"I want the last cookie!"

"I was talking first!"

"I want to pick out the movie today!"

I...I...I...

In so many different ways, my children were expressing one cry from their hearts...

"I want it to be all about me!"

(And don't we all?)

Like every other mother in the world, I have preached to Gracie and Andy about sharing with others until I was blue in the face. And although I could get my children to share (whether they like it or not) I couldn't make them want to share. What good is it to go through the motions if our hearts are not in the right place? This is not what God expects from His children so why am I accepting it from mine?

So one morning, I informed the kids that before we watched TV or went swimming, we were going to have Bible Study.

We read

Philippians 2:3-4

Don’t be selfish; don’t try to impress others. Be humble, thinking of others as better than yourselves. Don’t look out only for your own interests, but take an interest in others, too.

After reading this verse aloud, I asked the kids to tell me what they had heard. They picked up on the "don't be selfish" part pretty easily since they've heard that a time or two. But I asked them what the Bible tells us to do instead of being selfish. Gracie was able to tell me, be humble. Now my kids had no clue what this meant. (I still struggle with wrapping my mind around it sometimes too.) So I used this illustration to help them understand what "being humble" means.

I gave each of them 3 index cards. One card said "God", one said "Others", and the 3rd had each of their names. I read the words to them and then asked them to hold up the card that said the name of who we should think of most in our lives. Both kids proudly selected a card and waved it above their heads. Gracie correctly chose her "God" card and Andy impressively chose his "Others" card. I corrected Andy and we spent some time talking about how big and mighty God is. That He created everything and He should be the #1 thought and concern in our lives. They laid their "God" cards on the floor and I asked them to show me the card that according to the Bible, should be what we think about 2nd most in our lives. Once again, Gracie correctly selected the "Others" card and Andy proudly held up his "Andy" card. Now whether this was due to his inability to read, or that the "Others" card had been the wrong answer before, or that Andy really did think that he should be thought about more than others, I don't know. But once again I corrected him by rereading the scripture and asking him to choose the correct card. They laid the "Others" card below the "God" card and then I asked them to show me the card of who we should think about 3rd. (They both got it right this time).

I explained to Gracie and Andy that being humble is when our "cards" kept in this order in our lives.

God

Others

Me

Selfishness is when we move our card to top. A few weeks early Andy had asked me what "pride" meant and I had been unable to explain it to him effectively. As we were discussing this concept, I explained that pride is when we put ourselves on top. We think we are better than God and others.

This passage goes on to point out that Jesus displayed the ultimate act of selfishness in going to the cross on our behalf. We spent some time talking about that when we are unselfish, we are acting like Jesus. He was unselfish when He died for us. On the other hand, when we are selfish, we are acting like the devil. (This lead to a whole other discussion)

We ended our Bible Study that day by gluing the cards on construction paper and I put them on the refrigerator as a reminder to the kids about keeping themselves on bottom.

I also condensed the scripture some to make it easier for them to memorize and displayed it on the refrigerator as well.

In case you can't read it in the picture, it says:

"Don't be selfish, be humble... think of others more than yourself."

Now when one of them is acting selfishly, we quote the scripture together and talk about putting ourselves back on bottom.

They still don't always want to share. If I'm going to be honest, they probably don't want to share most of the time. But I have seen a change in their attitudes concerning others. Now it's not about mommy telling them that they have to share. Instead, they have to answer the question,

"Will I live like Jesus or not?"

My Prayer for my Kids

This prayer comes from 1 Chronicles 29:18-19. It is David's prayer over the assembly of people who had gathered to see Solomon, David's son, crowned king. I have personalized this prayer for my children by inserting their names where David referred to the people and to Solomon. I have added this in the scripture below using parentheses.

"O Lord, the God of our ancestors Abraham, Isaac, and Israel, make your people (Gracie and Andy) always want to obey you. See to it that their love for you never changes. Give my son Solomon (my children) the whole hearted desire to obey all your commands, decrees, and principles..."

What a powerful prayer!

"Do Everything Without Complaining or Arguing" Phil 2:14...Now That's a Tall Order

We were swimming one morning when Gracie grew tired of playing a game that Andy had made up and only Andy was really enjoying. Gracie had patiently endured this game for quite a while and told her brother that she was not going to play anymore. Well, this picture pretty much sums up how Andy felt about Gracie's decision. He began to cry and whine for what seemed liked the hundredth time that day and I could feel my already frayed nerves beginning to snap.

Andy tends to be a "the glass is half empty" kind of guy, so we deal with this attitude often with him. Before I tell you the idea that God gave to me, let me describe how I had handled a similar situation earlier that morning...

The kids were playing on the porch when something didn't go Andy's way. He started crying, whining, and complaining (and very loudly I might add). I was trying to finish something in the house and was highly irritated that I was being interrupted again. I stomped my way to the porch, threw open the back door, and let my little darling know just what I thought about his attitude. Andy patiently endured my tirade, as he has wisely learned to do, said yes m'am at the appropriate times, and dried up his tears when the threat of a spanking was mentioned. Well, you can see how effective my strategy was because here we were dealing with it again just an hour later.

The Lord showed me that I was viewing this problem incorrectly. I just wanted the whining to stop. But what I had failed to see was that the whining and complaining were outward manifestations of a heart sick with sin. The problem with complaining is not that it is annoying, but that it's sin the eyes of God.

When we got back home from the pool that day, I had the kids listen to the story of the Israelites and how they complained against God in the wilderness (Numbers 21). God did not like their complaining and punished them by sending snakes to bite the people. (Gracie was a little concerned about this part of the story, but I assured her that God had different ways of teaching His people back then. Now we have the Bible and the Holy Spirit to teach us.) We talked about how God had provided all the people needed and still they complained and whined. We then read

Philippians 2:14

"Do everything without complaining and arguing."

I made sure the kids understood that complaining, arguing, and whining is sin.

One of the things God has been showing me is that when He asks us to rid our hearts of a sinful attitude, He always tells us what godly attitude we should replace it with. In this case, God wants our hearts to be rid of an attitude of complaint and instead full of an attitude of thankfulness.

1 Thessalonians 5:18

"Give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus."

This is how I summarized all of this for my kids:

You will always face disappointment in life. And when you do, you have two choices...

Complain

or

Be Thankful

The new rule at our house is:

Complaining = Discipline

Because the Bible has clearly taught us that it is sin.

(When the kids choose this option, they are disciplined. After they are disciplined, we pray together and they ask Jesus to forgive them for choosing sin)

Thankfulness = Blessing

God will bless us when we choose to be obedient!

(The blessing is not anything that Todd and I give the kids. We explained to them that they would have to wait on the Lord and know that He will bless their life for their obedience.)

I usually have to help them find what there is to be thankful for in disappointing situations. In Andy's case at the swimming pool that day, I told him to be thankful that Gracie did play his game with him. She could have not played with him at all. I hope that one day I won't have to help them find reasons to be thankful in various situations. I want them to be able to do this for themselves as they mature.

This little lesson has been quite convicting for me as well. I realized that if I'm going to hold my children accountable to this godly standard, then I've got to hold myself to that standard as well.

Bad Attitude About Working

Kindergarten is not what it used to be. As a kindergarten graduate, Gracie knows how to add, subtract, and read. Of course it took a lot of work on her part both at school and at home. Home is where we ran into trouble. About half way through the year, Gracie developed a very bad attitude about doing her reading homework (which we had every night). I had endured the battles of homework for several years as a teacher. But now I was experiencing this battle from a totally different perspective...

A tired, frustrated mom trying to maker her tired, frustrated daughter finish her homework that she absolutely did not want to do. After a particularly difficult battle, complete with yelling, crying, and snotting, I asked the Lord for forgiveness for handling the situation poorly and sought His wisdom for resolving this issue with peace.

In His faithfulness, God reminded me of...

Colossians 3:23

"Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart as working for the Lord, not for men."

So the next afternoon, we began our homework time with Bible study. We had Gracie find the scripture above in her Bible and underline it. We took some time to discuss what it meant and how it is relevant to her life. We explained to her that any work she does in her life is an act of worship to God. When she has a bad attitude about her homework or does it halfway, she is not working with all her heart for the Lord. God wants us to do our best in everything we do. We helped her to memorize this verse and when that bad attitude would reappear, we would have her quote it and ask her, "Are you working with all your heart for the Lord today?"

A wonderful thing happened! Doing homework, housework, or any kind of work was no longer about bribery or punishment. Instead, it became an issue of accountability to the Lord. Gracie had a choice. Would she honor the Lord in her work or choose to disobey? Of course there were still consequences when she chose to disobey and hold onto that negative attitude. But after a few times of requiring her to quote the verse and examine her heart in this area, Gracie's overall attitude took on a transformation.

Now, as a side note, I must tell you that Gracie has a very tender heart toward the things of the Lord. In addition, she has a desire to please Todd and me in all that she does. So this issue was pretty easily resolved given her personality.

Andy, on the other hand, is a totally different story. I'll have to let you know how this all pans out when he has to do homework...